All my life I've felt out of place as if I don't belong like I was from another planet, maybe another universe... Especially unique and vastly different than others around me. Growing up I had a major disconnection with my family and felt like an outsider, what didn't occur to me was the truth.
I WAS DIFFERENT and I WAS DISCONNECTED.
"NOTHING EVER GOES AWAY UNTIL IT HAS TAUGHT US WHAT WE NEEDED TO KNOW"
This could be perceived as good or bad based on your perception and feelings. In my case, at the time, I viewed this as being a "bad" thing, in reality, it was perfectly fine to stand out.
There are not many people I get along with and that has nothing to do with me being someone that is hard to get along with because I am VERY EASY to get along with.
Yet, I appear to be unapproachable, mean or even "A bitch" to some who don't know me but I am FAR from those things.
What I've learned along my journey is that my past trauma has deeply impacted my way of thinking, emotions, and decisions which have caused me to be in a defensive state at least 99% of the time.
These traumatic experiences have conditioned me to become sheltered in my behaviors and emotions. Anyone that THINKS they know me truly does not.
If I had to put it in a numerical form I would say out of all the people that truly think they know me (close friends and family) only know 30% of who I truly am.
There's still that 70% that I haven't disclosed...
For mainly one reason...
THEY WON'T UNDERSTAND.
I've already tried it. NUMEROUS amount of times. For me, it's a waste of time and a complete waste of energy which is why I don't do it. I can usually tell off rip who will get me and who won't without having to wear myself out. That came with growth of course...
Trying to understand me would be like trying to understand a context of words in Chinese.
IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
The only way it will happen is if you vibrate on my wavelength, and most don't. Not saying this in an egotistical way but coming from a wholesome and humble perspective, it's the truth.
I like, no LOVE to use my brain, I like to think, deeply. I'm curious, adventurous in the mind and emotionally involved in almost ALL things. I'm analytical, observant, creative and passionate about things some people won't think twice about. I'm uniquely gifted and connected to things giving almost everything purpose. I'm loving and extremely passionate about it, something majority of my peers seem to lack.
With all that being said,
There's a DISCONNECT.
As I continue to grow on my spiritual journey I come to realize many things.
One obviously is the separation of the flesh and the soul.
I remember vividly my Aunt telling me that I needed to take all the money I was investing into weave, nails, clothes etc and put it towards my mental health.
Honestly, that was one of the most important things I MISSED.
I spent too much of my time and money investing in things that would ultimately NOT benefit the most important part of me.
Granted, I was young and naive BUT it's still something worth taking accountability for as an adult.
Along this journey of healing I've put everything with materialistic value on the back burner and put the healing of my soul FIRST.
When you die you can't take your designer clothes, shoes or expensive jewelry with you. The one thing you will be questioned on is the purity of your soul.
That's what's most important and that's what I realized deserves all of my focus.
Once you embark on your journey of spiritual healing I believe you have an awakening as well which is ultimately what I just described.
"HEALING DOSEN'T MEAN THE DAMAGE NEVER EXISTED. IT MEANS THE DAMAGE NO LONGER CONTROLS OUR LIFE."
In my awakening, I'm realizing that naturally, I am disconnecting in many ways.
One way is through social media.
Lately, I have been completely turned off at the idea of sharing my personal moments with strangers online. Occasionally in the past (a few months ago), I would occasionally post my boyfriend on my snap chat but that was about it. Now, that's something I might do out the blue.
On Facebook, I have no pictures of us up at all, Instagram as well. There was one point where my activity on Instagram was inactive for almost 2 years...
I just feel like I have NOTHING to prove to no one. I don't have to post how my birthday was or what my boyfriend got me for Valentine's day to let the world know I am loved. I know what it is.
Social media has become more like a tool rather than a source of validation, happiness or anything else I would account social media for.
If I didn't have to market my book and blog believe you would never see me.
Another way I found I disconnect is with people. I see through most people and usually don't see or feel an interest in socializing unless it is beneficial to me in some way. Anything outside of that just feels empty and I don't entertain it UNLESS there is a real genuine connection that I can vibe with. Equal to a meaningful and passionate friendship etc.
I also disconnect by emotion.
I. DON'T. CARE.
See the thing is, I USED to care, so much more than I should have. But presently I don't give a total fuck who walks and who stays, the door is open, walk if you choose.
You leaving my life will not hurt me. You not returning my messages, calls etc will not bother me either...
It used to though...
I move on from everything and everybody with little to NO emotion attached.
Yes, I might miss you or think of you but I am not crying over you OR begging you to be in my life.
THOSE DAYS ARE OVER.
This may sound harsh to some sensitive people but it's life.
It's my reality and I'm content in this space because the reality is...
It's about ME,
The idea of putting my self first is real, and I'm here in the flesh with it.
If you want to flourish in anything you attempt I think that's the first step and honestly the most critical.
I still love greatly, I still care deeply, I still yearn for solid friendships and longevity in a relationship but I will not tolerate anything less of what I really want.
I appreciate the disconnect because it put things in perspective for me on what's most important...