Your Pain Has Purpose

The irony of this shit kills me, but with age, I’ve learned to put the pieces of the puzzle together and make it make sense.

WITHOUT A STORY TO TELL, YOU LACK WHAT BUILDS CHARACTER AND INNOVATION.

Pain built endurance for me to keep moving forward even when I couldn’t foresee what was ahead. I can clearly envision the moments where I was abused in many forms, out of options, had a lack of money, and seem to have no opportunity to progress. I’m thinking…

WHY ME?

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We talking about years of this shit, and frankly I’ve peaked my breaking point. When I get a moment to myself I sit in silence and think about my life in a perfect world….a life with no pain. The thought of these traumatic experiences being erased from my memory makes me feel really good… In that moment, I think of the “perfect” woman I could have been if I wouldn’t have suffered this great deal of pain I still hold. In my reality, my mind, body and spirit has equally had enough and truthfully, it’s hard to keep the thought alive that I am blessed, fortunate and so fourth in the midst of feeling attacked everywhere I turn.

Anxiety producing negative thoughts with an attack on my mental. Death creeping into my circle crushing my spirit. The worry of time passing me by, and not living another goddamn moment in my truth attacks my body, this is

depression.

The fight got harder when I identified what I was actually up against. It’s a battle between you and your mind. You’re literally at a point where you’re fighting for sanity, you’re fighting to live in peace.

It’s almost like a mental jail and you’re attempting to break free of constraint and isolation from self

You have the actual feeling of being anxious, then the trickle effect of it which is not being able to breathe, your heart racing, uneasy nerves and physical pain throughout your entire damn body. Negative thoughts feeling like they are eating away at your brain. Depression draining your energy causing fatigue, clouded memory and thinking.

A REAL LIFE NIGHTMARE.

At first came confusion. Me asking myself, what the fuck is wrong with me and questioning why I felt the way I did. Secondly, was me denying that, what I was going through was actually real. Thirdly was me accepting it and working on a solution and lastly, me making sense of why and how I got here.

SOMEHOW I FOUND PURPOSE IN MY ANXIETY & DEPRESSION;

This part extremely crucial for me, and pivotal in my growth. I met with a palm reader last year when I used to live in Virginia and she told me, “You didn’t just get anxiety by chance. You have it because there is something that you need to learn/ experience. The gift that you were given holds great responsibility”

Before this moment she had never met me, I told her nothing about me, who I was or what I aspired to be. What was interesting is she seemed to know that I had purpose. There was something great inside of me that I needed to share with the world.

From that, I took what I needed and it changed my perspective deeply.

IT’S DEEPER THAN ANXIETY.

What your feeling or have felt hurts, is confusing, and at times you can’t wrap your mind around it.

Maybe you’re not supposed to…

Have faith and trust in God that he will make a way for you no matter the obstacles you face big or small.

What happened to you isn’t fair, the pain others have caused you still hurts…

Those wounds can be healed.

My anxiety creates a level of comfortability in uncomfortable situations. Depression triggers bigger dreams and aspiration. Heartbreak helps me understand what I want and what I don’t want in a man. Being broke teaches me discipline and struggle brings realization that I never want to go back there again.